I’ve been writing a lot about anger of late. As an adult survivor of child abuse (mine was verbal / control / constantly told I wasn’t worth….), I know all about anger.
As a Christian who was abused as a child, I deal with anger and try my best to discern and live by “be angry and sin not.”
That’s the key.
Anger is like a major injury. it takes a very long time to heal, and some injuries are permanent. Anger works the same way.
Here is the latest. Warning. It’s LONG…
Let’s talk a bit about anger today.
The Bible says, “be angry and sin not.”
Do you ever get angry? Do you live with anger from a traumatic childhood abuse experience?
If so, you are not alone!
And, just because you have anger does not necessarily mean that it’s sinful!
After all, our Messiah Himself was angry when He walked into the Temple to discover money changers “doing business as usual” inside of God’s House. Their “business as usual” meant they were cheating people (overcharging, upping prices as “certain” people came along, etc) as they sold their goods and services.
Somebody once told me that the Messiah wasn’t angry that day!
Well, suppose for a minute they were right!
He walked calmly into the Temple that day, saw all the cheating going on and that they were desecrating His Father’s House, and calmly braided together three pieces of leather He saw on somebody’s table. Then He calmly, and without anger popped the whip loudly to get their attention; but He wasn’t mad! He asked politely if everybody would please leave the Temple because this is a desecration to My Father’s House, and everybody left.
Is that the way it happened?
NO, IT IS NOT.
He overturned tables and RAN them out of the Temple! Christ had anger and yet, He NEVER committed a sin!
Residual anger is a problem that many who’ve survived childhood abuse have to deal with. It keeps popping up at the most inopportune times, and it rears its ugly head at times unexpected when something reminds that angry person of their abuse.
Sometimes, it’s perfume or some aroma that the perpetrator of their abuse used that reminds them of those days of abuse. Sometimes, it’s merely a thought that pops in their mind from out of nowhere that reminds them of their abuse.
But, whatever it is, it is a “trigger” that will often cause the anger that is burning in their heart and soul to explode.
Sometimes, those explosions are near someone or something that can be damaged by them; in fact that happens most every time there is an explosion of anger.
To add to the already horrible situation, well-meaning Christians will often offer “pat, oversimplified answers” that could be answers except that angry person can’t see the answers for the anger. If you’ve never been there, it’s a difficult concept to grasp, but I assure you that it’s real and it’s a big deal for a survivor of abuse.
And, when the perpetrator NEVER apologizes for his sin and comes clean about it; rather spends a lifetime trying force his victims into silence, the anger in the abused person continues to grow. If that perpetrator of the violence happens to have standing (popularity) in his community (many do), especially if the perpetrator is a trusted person such as a clergyman or government official, perhaps a school teacher, whenever the victims hear that person receiving “accolades” for all the “great things they did,” that is a huge trigger that can cause an anger explosion.
I thought my anger would be gone after my Mother passed. She’d asked me to preach her funeral (an amazing story in itself), and I did. Someone asked me how I could preach my own mother’s funeral — did I have some sort of special strength or something like that, but it was nothing of the kind. I was completely numb that day. Well prepared and basically read my message, but completely numb. It was weeks later that the numbness went away and I realized that I was in deep depression about it.
I’ve not shared this little detail publicly until now, but it is pertinent to this discussion, so I’ll share it today. A week after her funeral, I went to her graveside for the first time since that day. I stood there, feeling the numbness had gone and the true feelings of anger had returned. I told her about the abuse that I’d never been able to confront her about. I told her of how she’d hurt me as a teenager and all those years as an adult. I told her everything. I was there for over two hours that day. When I finished venting my anger “to her,” I said, “God wants me to forgive you. I know that I’m capable of saying that, and I pray He helps me to be capable of living that because I mean what I’m about to say with every fiber of my being. I forgive you.”
The tears began to flow, first as a release, then tears of joy took their place. I knew that no matter what had happened to me, no matter how much anger I had to deal with, that part was done and I promised never to “go fishing” again and dredge it back up. I have tried my best to keep that promise, although I’ve not been perfect about it.
I still have anger. I still get furious when I hear or see someone who is being abused. When I see an adult slap a kid around and tell that child they aren’t worth anything at all, I want to belt that parent – POW, right in the kisser. But, I’ve not done that and will not do that because I also realize that those actions won’t help that child, only make it worse. All that would do is make me feel better for a bit, until I realized what I’d done; so I don’t act on those angry emotions.
Be angry and sin not. There are some who condemn me because I’m angry about my past and have trouble talking about it without feeling my face getting red in the process.
Well, go ahead and pass judgment on me.
But, when you do, try to put yourself in my place and see if you’d be any stronger.
I know that many of the people who criticize me and tell me that I’m not right with God because I still have anger would have knuckled under decades ago. So, your condemnation and criticism has finally become like water on a duck’s back.
It just rolls off.
Next time, why don’t you try spending the same amount of time, effort and energy in praying for me rather than criticizing me and trying to bring me down to your level.
Just one prayer lifted to Christ on my behalf would be more productive than all the fiery darts your tongue could spout about me in a lifetime.
